Soul Reaver 2A - Escape From The Block Puzzles
by Crystarr
Summary: A rewrite of Soul Reaver 2, enhanced (or spoiled) by my so-called sense of humour... Chapter 5 now up - Finally the fic is complete!
1. Default Chapter

The doors open as Raziel enters the Chronoplast Chamber. From some way above, Kain chuckles evilly.  
  
Kain: At last. I must say I'm disappointed with your progress, Raziel. Tell me, did it trouble you to murder your bretheren?  
  
Raziel: Trouble? Are you kidding? Every bloody corner I go round, there's another block puzzle! No pit traps, no flamethrowers, no spikes or moving walls, just block puzzles! I swear, if I see one more block in my life...and another thing! Where the hell was Turel? The others all managed to make it, what makes him so special?  
  
Kain: When I asked, Raziel, it was just a taunt. I didn't actually want to know. Anyway, allow me to prattle on about how great I am, and some stuff about time, free will, and a load of other stuff that makes no sense right now.  
  
Raziel: I'd rather cut to the bit where I yell about being a former Sarafan and kick your ass!  
  
Raziel jumps at Kain, but one of his tattered wings catches on a pointy bit of the wall, and he lands flat on his face in front of the Vampire Master. Kain brings out a small hammer, the size of a finger, and taps it on Raziel's head. Raziel falls back to the ground.  
  
Kain: Well, duh! Of course I'd go for the Sarafan! What, did you think I'd chosen you and the other five stooges from the local pub or something?  
  
Raziel: My eyes, or at least these glowing slots that act as them, are opened. I find no nobility in the unlife you forced on my unwilling corpse!  
  
Raziel attacks Kain again. He scores a couple of unconvincing hits on his creator, who looks in as much trouble as he did when he fought that cemetery keeper on waking in his mausoleum.  
  
Kain: You may have uncovered your past, but you know nothing of it. Except the fact that you were a great warrior in the Sarafan, died thousands of years ago, then got brought back by me as a Vampire. But apart from all that, you know nothing. You think the Sarafan were noble? Altruistic? Don't be simple.  
  
Despite the fact that Raziel could have killed Kain in the half hour it took for Kain to deliver that speech, he fails to do so. Kain sends Raziel flying. Raziel hits the opposite wall so hard that he leaves a cracked dent, and little birdies start flying around his head. He shakes them away in anger. Kain pulls a couple of levers then teleports to the nearby Stargate...er, I mean portal.  
  
Kain: You nearly had me Raziel...  
  
Raziel: When?!  
  
Kain: But this is not how, or when it ends. History promises more twists before the drama unfolds completely.  
  
Kain steps through the portal. Raziel jumps up to the portal. The Soul Reaver manifests from his arm, now that there's no use for it. Raziel waits...and waits...  
  
Raziel: Excuse me? Isn't the Elder God supposed to tell me how I'm beyond his influence through this portal? Doesn't continuity mean anything anymore?  
  
Finally, Raziel jumps through the portal. There are lots of flashes, lightning bolts, and other special effects before he appears in a new chamber. Through the multi-coloured mists that surround him, the hooded figure of Moebius approaches, carrying a staff.  
  
Moebius: Raziel. Redeemer and Destroyer. Pawn and Messiah. Main character of Soul Reaver, though not of Legacy of Kain in general because your name's not in the game title anywhere and you weren't even in the first game. Welcome, time-spanned soul. Welcome to your destiny...  
  
Raziel: This reminds me of my horoscope this morning. "Beware of strange old men who give you several titles and have a flair for the dramatic."  
  
Moebius: It's been a long time, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: It wouldn't have if it weren't for those damned block puzzles. Kain never had to deal with them in his game!  
  
Moebius: Speaking of Kain...  
  
Raziel: If I ruled the world, the first thing I'd do would be to outlaw all moveable blocks...  
  
Moebius: Shut up about those frigging blocks, will you?! You never used to be this whiny!  
  
Raziel: Eh?  
  
Moebius: That's right, Raziel. I knew you when you were a Sarafan.  
  
Raziel: How convinient, as convinient as a blatant plot device.  
  
Raziel threatens Moebius with the Soul Reaver, but Moebius' staff flares, and the Reaver disappears.  
  
Raziel: That's odd. The batteries are fresh! It's just like my walkman!  
  
Moebius: How odd. This staff cancels out the powers of our Vampiric foes. Why would it have the same effect on your strange weapon there?  
  
Raziel: (sarcastically) How convincing. I am utterly taken in by your honest tone of voice, coupled with your oh-so trustworthy character references.  
  
Moebius: Why do you hate me so? Who has slandered my name so much? Kain? The one who destroyed you? Consider the source of these condemnations before insulting me!  
  
Raziel: I've played Blood Omen. You weren't exactly sweetness and light, were you?  
  
Moebius: We'll forget about rekindling our friendship then. Fortunately, you need not love me.  
  
Raziel: Just as well, because that's not going to happen!  
  
Moebius activates a scrying pool nearby. It shows Kain standing at the Pillars, reading a Spiderman comic.  
  
Moebius: See how Kain stands at the Pillars, blissfully unaware that you have followed him back to this period.  
  
Raziel: The Pillars are still standing?  
  
Moebius: Yes, of course.  
  
Raziel: I like the Pillars. There aren't any block puzzles near them...  
  
Moebius: Oh, the hell with this. Just go to the damn Pillars and kill the stupid Vampire, will you?  
  
Raziel: What about the murals on these walls? They depict the Vampire Vorador, don't they?  
  
Moebius: What possible relevance could they have to the present situation?  
  
Raziel: None. I just wanted to point them out as a reference in the unlikely event that Vorador just happens to see me leave this building, gets curious and follows me for a while before having a brief, unhelpful conversation during which he drops a single hint as to my next destination.  
  
Moebius: Oh sure, like that's going to happen.  
  
Moebius storms out. Raziel looks around. Over a nearby door marked by the 8 rune, there is a large red crystal. Raziel, now apparently being an expert of door identification, realises that this door leads to another Time Streaming Chamber.  
  
Raziel: (VoiceOver) The other Time Streaming Chamber was locked, and I suspected that its opening had something to do with the large crystal above the door. If I was to use the Chamber, I would have to find some means of activating the crystal first. Or I could just grab one of the Time Streaming Devices that appeared in Blood Omen. The kind that you could carry around with you, meaning you don't have to tramp around half of Nosgoth looking for well-guarded powerups that might enable you to access rooms that are in a fortified castle on the other side of harsh environments and hordes of enemies. Nah, that'd be stupid! On out of the fortress, I think!  
  
Raziel marches out of the fortress, killing loads of useless guards along the way. As he progresses, he finds a stained-glass window depicting the death of ancient Vampire Janos Audron.  
  
Raziel: (VoiceOver) I took note of the window showing Janos Audron, on the off chance that I would learn it was important to my quest to travel back in time and talk to him. I also wondered about the Heart of Darkness, the heart that was ripped out from the chest of Janos. How many of the things had he had in his chest? Kain found at least a hundred in Blood Omen, probably more, and there were bound to be loads that he hadn't come across. The Sarafan that had killed Janos must have had to cart the hearts away in a couple of wheelbarrows...  
  
Raziel also visits the Tomb of William the Just, and experiences a strange vertigo. When he touches William's broken Reaver, his own Soul Reaver entwines and fixes it. Raziel now has the power to turn the Reaver on and off at will.  
  
Raziel: Reaver goes on. Reaver goes off. Reaver goes on. Reaver goes off. Reaver goes on. Reaver goes off...  
  
A few hours later, Raziel gets board of switching his wraith blade on and off. He kills a few more guards and busts out of the castle.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Due to the way fantasy games tend to work, I had a feeling I'd have to return to the Sarafan stronghold in time. It would not be easy to infiltrate, though. The balcony that had provided my escape was now well beyond my reach, leaving this massive gateway as my only means of entry, seeing as narrative causality prevented me from climbing the damn wall. Strange how the instances where climbing would be most useful are also the times when I find that I can't actually climb at all!  
  
Raziel starts jogging to the Pillars, occasionally stopping to tear apart some defenceless hunter who's only crime was to do the job they'd been contracted to do. He also stops to muse at some executed vampires. Truly, the actions of one who is dead set on killing Kain and heedless to all else!  
  
Raziel: (VO) These vampires had nothing in common with the twisted monsters I'd had to battle in between block puzzles in the distant future. These were human, but with different skin and eyes, and great powers. But as they were only bit characters in this game, they'd obviously stood no chance against the weak, pathetic humans who were armed only with swords, pikes, and the occasional cannon. And seeing as how all the vampires were staked through the chest and none were in bits all over the place, I doubted that the cannoneers were particularly great shots.  
  
Raziel eventually makes it to the Pillars, where Kain is playing Link's Awakening on his Gameboy. Raziel sneaks up on Kain, but the vampire lord sees him in the mirror that he cunningly set up to guard his back.  
  
Kain: I know you are there, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Damn! Er, I mean, I knew that you knew! Moebius led me to you, though even if he hadn't, I'd have come here eventually. I'd have just looked in about a billion other places first.  
  
Kain: And if Moebius told you I was hidden in the underside of Hell, would you throw yourself into oblivion to pursue me?  
  
Raziel: No, I'd have taken the train. Assuming that Nosgoth's reached an industrial revolution era yet.  
  
Kain: Moebius trawls for the ignorant and unwary, hauling his gasping prey from the streams of their destinies. Stay out of his net, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Er, right. Now turn and face me, Kain. The chase is over.  
  
Kain: This isn't a chase, Raziel. we are merely passengers on the wheel of destiny, describing a perfect circle to this point. We have been brought here for a reason. I have seen the beginning and the end of our story, however - and the tale is crude and ill-concieved. We must rewrite the ending of it, you and I.  
  
Raziel: You know, even if you hadn't torn off my wings, thrown me into a lake of burning water where I died in torment for a thousand years, then killed off my entire clan, I'd still have to kill you for going on and on like this. Can't you speak clearly for once?  
  
Kain: Isn't it customary to grant the condemned a final request?  
  
Raziel: I recall no such courtesy from you. I'd have quite liked an ice- cream before you killed me.  
  
Kain: Indulge me.  
  
Raziel: Fine. Strawberry, chocolate, or vanilla?  
  
Kain: All I ask is that you listen.  
  
Raziel: Well, don't be too long. Star Trek's on in half an hour. It's the one where Kirk swaps bodies with that woman...  
  
Kain: This is the sublime moment of our undoing, Raziel - the ineffable fulcrum upon which swings the entirety of our history. This is where all of Nosgoth is betrayed.  
  
Raziel: Inedible filling?  
  
Kain: In this instant, Ariel - the Balance Guardian - is murdered by dark forces bent on overthrowing the Pillars. Her spirit is just now tearing free, lost in the ether, trying to find its way here. You have already seen how she comes to haunt these Pillars.  
  
Raziel: Yes. She's tormented, depressed, agonised, and blames you. But at least she never had to deal with any block puzzles...  
  
Kain: Will you shut up about those blasted block puzzles?! Now watch carefully. There may be questions later.  
  
The pillars corrupt, as the skies darken, storms gather, the air wails, and other impressive special effects run wild.  
  
Kain: Just as I'm being born, Nupraptor finds his beloved Ariel murdered. And because he's renowned throughout the Circle as being the one who goes to pieces in a crisis, he goes mad, inflicting the rest of the Circle with insanity...including me!  
  
Raziel: Wait a sec...you're part of the Circle?  
  
Kain: What the..? YES I'M PART OF THE CIRCLE!!! Didn't you listen to the ending of Blood Omen?!  
  
Raziel: I didn't understand it. It didn't even say who that creature was at the end of the game when you killed Mortanius! I mean, everyone assumes it's Hash'Ak'Gik from that secret room in Avernus Cathedral, but we don't really know, do we?  
  
Kain: How did you become the great champion of the Sarafan, Raziel?  
  
Raziel: I can't tell you. It'd be a spoiler for later in the game.  
  
Kain: Anyway. Thirty years hence, I am presented with a dilemma - let's call it a two-sided coin.  
  
Raziel: You were confused by a coin?  
  
Kain: If the coin falls one way, I sacrifice myself and thus restore the Pillars. But as the last surviving vampire in Nosgoth, this would mean the anihillation of our species. Moebius made sure of that. If the coin lands on the reverse, I refuse the sacrifice and thus doom the Pillars to an eternity of collapse. Either way, the game is rigged.  
  
Raziel: I don't remember seeing this coin in Blood Omen...  
  
Kain: There's a third option - a monumental secret, hidden in your very presence here. But it's a secret you have to discover for yourself. Unearth your destiny, Raziel. It's all laid out for you here.  
  
Raziel: Wait a second. Coins only have two sides!  
  
Kain: Apparently so. But suppose you throw a coin enough times...suppose one day, it lands on its edge...  
  
Raziel: Kain...what the hell are you going on about? You're talking about coins and nets and endings to stories...just answer me one question. What the hell is going on???  
  
Kain: Oh, good grief...  
  
Kain disappears. Raziel shifts to the Spectral Realm and follows a path behind the Pillars. After a while, and a couple of Sluagh, he returns to the Material Plane.  
  
Raziel: (VO) I can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched. It's as if people from all over the world are watching me through small mechanical monitors while frantically pressing small buttons on weirdly shaped devices. Except one, who just seems to be shadowing me in the old fashioned stalking sense. That last one must be behind the times.  
  
Raziel follows the path, until he comes to a huge door, magically sealed with a picture of someone bearing the Reaver, someone who looks suspiciously like himself.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Strange...I don't think the artist got my hair right here...  
  
Raziel tries to smash down the door with the Reaver. On the first jab, he accidentally jams the Reaver into the rune-hole, and the door slides open for him. Raziel decides to pretend that he meant to do that, stops cowering behind his claws, and enters the passage. After following the passageway and killing a few shades, he finds the underground Pillar Sanctum.  
  
Raziel: (VO) The murals on the walls spoke of a winged race, like me except for all the missing bits and ruined body that I had. I wondered several things. I wondered if these winged creatures had made the pillars. I wondered if they were the original vampires, cursed by bloodlust in one of the pictures. I wondered if they'd also created the Reaver, as it featured so much in the murals. And most of all, I wondered why I kept on talking to myself in the past tense.  
  
Elder God: (From below) Lies, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: AAAAAAGGGHHH!!!  
  
Raziel jumps in fright and clings to one of the Pillars. After a moment, he jumps back down and regains his compsure.  
  
Raziel: Awww, crap. This is why they cut out your line in the remake of the closing scene of Soul Reaver 1, isn't it? So I guess I'm not beyond your influence after going through that portal.  
  
Elder God: You could have killed Kain while his concentration was on the Legend of Zelda. Do not fail me, my servant.  
  
Raziel: I serve no one! It seems that Tony Jay's characters in Legacy of Kain get that a lot, doesn't it? And you can get Moebius off my back too. His whiny voice really gets on my nerves.  
  
Elder God: Moebius is my good servant. I have many.  
  
Raziel: And if I tell Moebius that he's worshipping a giant squid, do you think his faith will falter?  
  
Elder God: He already knows. Why do you think squid sales have plummeted since he became a member of the Circle?  
  
Raziel: I thought it was because squid tasted disgusting.  
  
Elder God: You have grown willful, Raziel. But beware - to embrace a serpent is to invite poison into your heart.  
  
Raziel: Not more metaphors. I swear, the way you and Kain speak, you should be best friends!  
  
Elder God: Just get going, will you? Star Trek's on in a minute, and I still can't get to grips with my VCR.  
  
Raziel: Damn it. I'm never going to see it at the rate this game is progressing...  
  
Raziel dives into the water, for no apparent reason, and heads straight towards the Elder God's huge, ugly form. Luckily, he just happens to find an underwater chamber that leads, eventually, to a small building in the marshes of the Termogent Forest. He looks around, seeing an old door with Moebius' rune on it, all cracked and crumbling.  
  
Raziel: (VO) I surfaced into a very different landscape. The daylight barely penetrated the dense canopy of this forest. Here I discovered an ancient ruin, unmistakably one of Moebius' Time Streaming chambers, but long ago sealed and abandoned to the encroaching swamp. I didn't currently possess the means to break this seal, but I thought in time that I might. Of course, I could have tried to knock the thing down with my brute strength, but I'd just finished putting my claw varnish on, and I didn't want to chip it.  
  
Raziel strolls further along, stopping every so often to kill a passerby. Along the way, he spies someone watching him from a distance, on a balcony.  
  
Raziel: (VO) So, my lurking observer was exposed. The creature vanished when he realised he was discovered, but I caught a glimpse of him, and his features were distinctive enough. This was the vampire Vorador, the monstrous assassin depicted in the Stronghold, and the guy in Blood Omen, the one with the ring and a little argument with Malek. Strange that a creature brazen enough to assault the Circle single-handedly would avoid confronting me. Perhaps I should have brought some deodrant through the mists of time. Very well, if Vorador would not come to me, I would go to him. But first I needed to find some means of reaching that terrace. I wondered if there were any spare pogo sticks lying around in the swamp.  
  
Raziel continues exploring, and eventually reaches the balcony Vorador had been watching from. The balcony is empty.  
  
Raziel: (VO) My lurking friend was nowhere to be seen, which wasn't really suprising as he could actually teleport away a couple of thousand times by the time I made it up here. But I found these ruins even more intriguing, a throwback to my days as a fledging leafing through copies of "Crumbling Ruins of Ancient Civilisations Monthly". I recognised these arcane symbols from the chamber beneath the Pillars, and realised that this shrine too was sealed to all but the bearer of the Reaver. Or anyone with a really good battering ram.  
  
Raziel enters the building, discovering a forge for the Reaver inside. Of course, it takes several hours to navigate all the puzzles obstructing him, puzzles that apparently take the place of real defences. Raziel also notices lots of murals on the walls.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Throughout this ancient shrine, murals depicted the winged race, the apocalyptic war against their mysterious and equally inhuman adversaries, and the fall in demand for squid-based foods, which I regarded with a new, cold horror. These winged beings, it seemed, were not only the architects of the Pillars, but of this enigmatic place as well, and just as in the Pillars' chamber, this shrine was adorned throughout with imagery of the Reaver, depicted with the reverence of a holy icon. In one mural, a fat winged being with a strange quiffy haircut and a white and silver costume was playing the Reaver like a musical instrument, thanking his captive audience very much. Strange...  
  
Raziel finally activates the Dark Forge, after overcoming a load of puzzles, but thankfully no block puzzles.  
  
Raziel: (VO) As I neared the altar, I suddenly felt the Reaver quickening of its own volition, just as in William's chapel. At first I thought that it was eager to get home and catch the last half hour of The Fugitive (being a Harrison Ford fan), but I would soon be proven wrong. The balance of power tangibly shifted. Voracious and wilful, the Soul Reaver was now in control, and I, merely it's helpless puppet. I felt an irresistable urge to say things like "FAB", and ask Spectrum for help against the Mysterons. The Reaver plunged itself into that mysterious altar, and devouring the energy that emanated from within, drained this place of its power.  
  
Thus sated, the Reaver released me, and I realised as I recovered control, that these ancient shrines were forges, each purpose-built to enhance the Reaver with elemental power. I wished they could have just put the elemental powers in the Reaver in the first place. I could have completed the game by now!  
  
As Raziel makes to leave the altar, he sees that a nearby font has activated.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Now I understood the purpose of the mysterious basins I had seen throughout my journey. They were not, as I had believed, the remains of public toilets used by winged beings long ago, but elemental fonts, each attuned to a fundamental essence. When I forged the blade, every font in Nosgoth with the same elemental attunement would simultaneously quicken. I'm not sure how, but I think it might be something to do with the Internet. The Reaver's enhancements were never permanent, but these fonts enabled me to re-embue the blade by bathing it in the elemental energy distilled therin. I made a note to upgrade to the Soul Reaver version 2.0, the one with permanent enhancements and a wrist mounted control panel, as soon as possible. I might even shell out for the extra "Stop Reaver From Consuming Your Own Soul Energy" option.  
  
Raziel notices a weird mark on the door as he exits the Dark Forge.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Concentric circles, one eclipsing the other. I recognised this symbol from the door sealing that other ancient shrine, the one I had seen in the lake outside the Sarafan Stronghold. Perhaps now, armed as I was with the elemental power of darkness, I could return and gain entry. The winged beings were a weird lot. What if I hadn't found the Dark Forge, or it had been destroyed? No one would have ever been able to get into the other forge! And how come the Sarafan or Moebius' lot hadn't stormed that forge that was right next to their stronghold anyway?  
  
As Raziel finally exits the forge, he sees Vorador leaning casually against a pillar, waiting for him.  
  
Vorador: You're a ragged excuse for a saviour.  
  
Raziel: The wings look a lot cooler when I'm floating through mid-air, Vorador.  
  
Vorador: I see my reputation proceeds me. All good I hope.  
  
Raziel: All except the bit about you getting drunk and waking up with Mortanius one morning...  
  
Vorador: *ahem* I've been watching you since you emerged from that accursed stronghold.  
  
Strange that your arrival coincides with the corruption of the Pillars. But I'm wondering - are you the catalyst of these events, or the answer to them?  
  
Raziel: Cata-what?  
  
Vorador: I will speak plainly, then.  
  
Raziel: Yeah, right. No one in Nosgoth does that!  
  
Vorador: I distrust your origins, stranger. Seeing you crawl from the putrid depths of Moebius's Keep makes me question your purpose here. And what should I make of your appearance? Not human, clearly - and more demon than vampire. And the Pillars - it is no mere coincidence that your arrival in that clearing heralded the Pillars' decay. And so I ask you plainly: are you the instrument of the Pillars' destruction, or their salvation?  
  
Raziel: You call that speaking plainly?  
  
Vorador: Very well, let us look at the other side of the coin.  
  
Raziel: Is this the same coin as Kain was prattling on about? The three sided one that fell through a net and got stuck on its edge in a story?  
  
Vorador: Er...probably not. I have followed your journey, and watched as you blithley unlocked secrets that have been sealed and forbidden for thousands of years. The path you have been treading is open to only one being.  
  
Raziel: Oooh, ooh, I know! It's that guy with the beard from the Lord of the Rings!  
  
Vorador: You don't know what you are, do you?  
  
Raziel: I have been many things. A video game character, a...a...but tell me what you meant.  
  
Vorador: What's the point - this world is beyond redemption. Let the human cattle have it.  
  
Raziel: And us? Do we get another world from Worlds-R-Us?  
  
Vorador: Five hundred years ago, our race was almost exterminated by the fanatical crusades of the Sarafan. And now the same sick drama unfolds again. In merely a decade, Moebius's cutthoat citizen army has nearly accomplished what the Sarafan could not.  
  
Raziel: I know. Eliminated almost all sales of squid and squid-related products.  
  
Vorador: Vampires meddling in the affairs of men...Look where it has brought us.  
  
Raziel: A popular game series! I'd say that's pretty good! Speaking of which, any ideas on what those mural things the programmers...er, I mean the winged beings put up are?  
  
Vorador: Fairy tales, boy. The delusions of an ancient culture, clinging to hope long after the world had discarded them. Their bloodline trickled away, until only one of the Ancients remained - sustained solely by obligation, his unfaltering faith in the old prophesies, and a lot of cod liver oil.  
  
Raziel starts to say something, probably an offhand remark about being sustained "solely" by multiple sources, or something equally nonsencial. Vorador doesn't feel in the mood to deal with another load of Raziel remarks, especially if he gets onto the subject of block puzzles, so he continues talking.  
  
Vorador: But you see, even if you are who you appear to be, it no longer matters. You're simply too late. Janos Audron - the Reaver Guardian, the last of the Ancients, and my maker - was murdered by the Sarafan nearly five centuries ago. He alone would have the answers you seek, but his secrets died with him. I don't know how you've come even this far without his guidance - or without the Reaver, stolen these five hundred years ago by the Sarafan.  
  
Raziel: You mean the one I've been slashing my enemies with most of the time you've been watching me?  
  
Vorador: I am afraid, my friend, that you - and all of us - are out of luck.  
  
Raziel: So...Vegas isn't the place to go right about now, then?  
  
Vorador disappears.  
  
Raziel: (VO) I had no less reason to trust Vorador than anyone else I had met. In fact, the ancient vampire was the most forthright being I had encountered thus far. If Janos Audron was the key to all this, then I would find him and ask him about this damned coin thing, and Moebius' Time Streaming device would provide me passage. But first I had to find a way back into the Stronghold, and I suspected I would find the means within the lake's mysterious shrine. That's the way these games work. You can't go straight anywhere, you have to detour to another trap-filled area first, filled with block puzzles and undead enemies guarding a priceless treasure. For some reason, I felt an urge to wear a green body suit, a long pigtail and two strange mini-cannons at my hips. I resolved that when all this was over, I would set a lot of time aside for therapy. 


	2. Chapter 2 - The long, boring walk back t...

Raziel strolls through the swamp, and after some kills and travels not really worth mentioning, finds himself back in the chamber where the Pillars shoot up towards the surface. Raziel tries to move through the chamber quietly, but sadly, the Elder God spots him and unleashes a torrent of sarcastic Nosgoth speak (like English, but with lots of metaphors and long words).  
  
Elder God: Ah, my wayward child returns.  
  
Raziel: No. it's me. Not that I believe you really do have a kid. I mean, for you to be a father, someone would have to have s...EEEWWWW! I really wish I hadn't thought of that! That mental image is going to haunt me for the rest of the series!  
  
Elder God: Shut up, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: OK, think of something else. I know! The murals! They're just interesting enough to take my mind off...the subject. Hey, squid-face, what about those murals, eh?  
  
Elder God: Lies of a dead civilisation. They exist to mislead you, to divert you from your true destiny.  
  
Raziel: You mean like block puzzles?  
  
Elder God: Raziel, listen very...very...carefully...STOP OBSESSING OVER THOSE STUPID BLOCK PUZZLES!!! Mention them one more time and the arc of your destiny will reach a sudden conclusion.  
  
Raziel: What? The series will end without finishing the story? The fans won't be happy!  
  
Elder God: You are really starting to get on my nerves, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: So? I'm way beyond your reach up here!  
  
Elder God: My reach is farther than you think.  
  
Raziel: Sure it is, slimy-face...  
  
Raziel's taunts are interrupted when a brick flies out of the water and smacks him in the face.  
  
Elder God: See? Told you!  
  
Raziel limps out, clutching his face. The injury isn't helped by this as he had the Reaver turned on, and he promptly slices his own head off, causing him to return to the Spectral Plane. Our winged(-ish) hero spends a few hours seeking a portal to the Material realm, then strolls off as if he hadn't just made a complete fool of himself...  
  
Raziel: Stupid weapon...this never happens to Buffy! Still, I like to think I'm more attractive than her.  
  
Raziel spends the next hour or so trudging back to the Sarafan fortress and infiltrating the Light Forge. Several Thralls killed and puzzles that occasionally stroll a little too close to the block variety later, and the occasional musing over murals, Raziel comes out with a new Light-imbued Reaver.  
  
Raziel: Finally, armed with the elemental power of Light, I had the means to re-enter the Stronghold and make use of the Time-Streaming Chamber. At least, assuming that firing a bolt of light at those weird red crystal thingies will actually make the doors open. I mean, I've got absolutely no reason to think that doing that would work, and frankly, I don't see why the Sarafan would lock doors with devices that only the most powerful weapon of their enemies could unlock. Still, may as well give it a go. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and it'll turn out that the Sarafan were actually a bunch of surrealists.  
  
Suprisingly, Raziel's plan works. He marches into the Stronghold, pausing only to tear apart the odd warrior, and eventually finds himself in the big hall some way in. Nearby, some luckless guard has been killed and drained of blood. Only one being could have done such an act...  
  
Raziel: Dracula! He's here? Wow, I wonder if he'll sign my book...  
  
Raziel looks up. Above the head of the corpse, written in blood on the wall, are the words "Moron! Guess again!"  
  
Raziel: Kain?  
  
Kain: In here, Raziel.  
  
Raziel follows the voice into William's Chapel.  
  
Raziel: But...how did you get into the Stronghold without the Light Reaver?  
  
Kain: I got my hand stamped the last time I was here.  
  
Raziel: Oh. I guess I shouldn't have killed the doorman on my way out...  
  
Kain: Anyway, Everything is decided here. You cannot comprehend the magnitude - the rapture and the tragedy - of this moment. And yet you must if Nosgoth is to be dragged from the wreckage of its damnation.  
  
Raziel: Magnets? Are they used to make the coin land on the edge?  
  
Kain: Eh???  
  
Raziel: As always, I don't understand what you're going on about. I understand only this, Kain - that you and Moebius have impelled me to this moment simply means that I can trust neither of you. I don't know who's pulling the strings, but it no longer matters - because I'm cutting them.  
  
Raziel leaps over to the orchestra playing the rather excellent background music for the scene, cuts the strings of the lead violin, and kills the violinist just to make a point.  
  
Kain: If only it were that simple.  
  
Raziel: You're right - the music hasn't changed. It must have been digitised already.  
  
Kain: We have troubles larger than those presented by mere music.  
  
Raziel: Your fatalism is tiresome, Kain.  
  
Kain: And profoundly ingrained, Raziel. You must understand, our presence here doesn't alter history. You and I meet here because we are compelled to - we have always met here.  
  
Raziel: No we haven't. Remember that time you ordered me and the other five Vampires you made to meet you in the Red Rose Brothel to plan our attack on that human stronghold?  
  
Kain: That doesn't count.  
  
Raziel: Only because you stood us up! What kind of Vampire Lord are you, making his most powerful minions wait for three days in a Brothel! The humans were laughing at us for weeks!  
  
Kain: Look, the point I'm trying to make is that History is irredeemable. Drop a stone into a rushing river, and the current simple courses around it, flowing as if the obstruction were never there. You and I are pebbles, Raziel, and have even less hope of disrupting the Timestream. The continuum of history is simply too strong, too resilient.  
  
Raziel: Wait a sec, let me remember all these things you're telling me. So far, we've got at least one coin, a net, a story, and now this river place. I should have brought a notebook.  
  
Kain: Except... then how do we explain William, here?  
  
Raziel: Well, one day, his mummy and daddy, who were very much in love...  
  
Kain: Stop right there, or I'll have to kill you.  
  
Raziel: I've been killed twice now. It's starting to lose its threatening aura...  
  
Kain: ANYWAY, in my youth, I witnessed William's rise to power and his transformation into the "Nemesis" who laid waste to Nosgoth.  
  
Kain lifts up the physical reaver from William's casket and steps towards Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Don't even think about it, Kain...  
  
Kain: Years later, I stumble upon a chance to journey back in history, unaware that the entire affair has been orchestrated by Moebius. In my wisdom, I seize this opportunity to murder the young king before he can ravage Nosgoth, and thereby provide the catalyst Moebius needs to ignite a genocidal war against our race.  
  
Raziel: I'm warning you, Kain, I'm a red belt in Tae-Kwon-Do...  
  
Kain: This one reckless act unravels the flow of history. The Nemesis never becomes the Nemesis. William dies a martyred saint. I, the Vampire assassin, become the author of my own species' destruction. And Moebius profits from it all. I destroyed a tyrant only to create one far worse. But how can it be so? How, if history is immutable? The answer is here in this room, Raziel. Moebius propelled William and me together - but ensured first that we were both armed with the Soul Reaver. The Reaver is the key. Two incarnations of the blade meet in time and space... a paradox is created, a temporal distortion powerful enough to derail history.  
  
Raziel: I feel like I'm trapped in an episode of Star Trek: Voyager...  
  
Suddenly, Raziel's Wraith Reaver appears, and starts waving around like it was drunk at a rock concert. At the same time, a strange sense of vertigo is felt in the Chapel.  
  
Raziel: What are you doing?!  
  
Kain: I'm not. You are. You have nothing to fear from me, Raziel. You hold all the cards.  
  
Raziel: Are you blind?! This is a bloody great big magical sword, not the Three of Clubs!  
  
Kain gives his Soul Reaver to Raziel, who promptly holds it to Kain's throat.  
  
Raziel: If what you say is true, you should be terrified. I could kill you here and now.  
  
Kain: You do.  
  
The Reavers lunge at Kain of their own free will, stabbing him in the chest. Thankfully, the blow is turned aside by the framed photo of Angelina Jolie that Kain was wearing under his cloak, but next time he won't be so lucky...  
  
Raziel: What's happening?  
  
Kain: We are hurtling toward our destinies, Raziel. What you feel is the pull of history rushing to meet us. This is where history and destiny collide.  
  
Raziel: I'll ask you again - what's happening?  
  
Kain: If you truly believe in free will, Raziel, now is the time to prove it. Kill me now, and we both become pawns of history, dragged down the path of an artificial destiny. I was ordained to assume the role of Balance Guardian in Nosgoth, while you were destined to be its savior. But the map of my fate was redrawn by Moebius, and so in turn was yours.  
  
Raziel: It's hard enough trying to control this thing without having to translate your rants into English, you know!  
  
Kain: Fight it, Raziel... This moment does not have to be an ending - it can become a prelude.  
  
Raziel: You mean to Soul Reaver 3? It was bad enough with that cliffhanger ending in the first game, but this would be a really suck place to finish this one!  
  
Raziel heaves up the blade and , against his will, brings it stabbing down towards Kain. At the last second, he manages to divert its course, and smashes the sword into William's tomb. He and Kain breathe a sigh of relief, and then leap back in fright as the tomb opens from within. William looks at Kain in anger, then down to where the Soul Reaver is sticking out of his chest.  
  
William: Aww no...not again...  
  
William collapses back into his tomb, dead. (Again)  
  
Kain: Poor William.  
  
Raziel: Wimp. The number of times I've been impaled, dissolved, beheaded, and a load of other things, and you don't hear me complaining!  
  
Suddenly, the vertigo reaches a new level, the room seeming to shake itself apart in the grip of the chaos.  
  
Raziel: What is this..?  
  
Kain: History abhors a paradox, Raziel. Even now, the time-stream strains to divert itself, finding its old course blocked by your refusal to destroy me. The future is reshuffling itself to accomadate your monumental decision.  
  
Raziel: Will there be cake involved? Changing the course of history can work up an appetite.  
  
The vertigo returns to normal.  
  
Kain: This is where we restore ourselves, Raziel, and reclaim our intended destinies. It may yet be possible for me to assume my role as Balance Guardian and return the Pillars to their rightful inheritors...  
  
Raziel: The Vampires? I don't know what game you and Moebius are playing, Kain - but I refuse to be your car.  
  
Kain: My car..?  
  
Raziel: I don't like Chess. I always liked Monopoly better.  
  
Kain: Oh. Well, that makes sense...no. No, it makes no sense at all!  
  
Raziel: Now you know what it feels like! Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm outta here!  
  
Raziel walks off.  
  
Kain: Remember - Moebius led you here, but you walk away unfettered. A champion of free will, and conqueror of false histories. There is much more for you to unearth, if you have the heart for the truth and the will to see it...  
  
Raziel leaves. A few moments pass. Kain looks around the Chapel, bored. Eventually, he whips out his Gameboy again.  
  
Kain: Right, Let's see if I've got the hang of Tetris yet. I don't know, I've been around for millenia and I still can't get past level 4...  
  
Raziel makes his way to the Time Chamber, and unlocks it. He is just about to enter when Moebius bursts in, wearing a blue and white striped nightshirt and nightcap, and holding a candle and a small teddy bear.  
  
Moebius: What the hell was all that noise just then...Raziel?! But...but...  
  
Raziel: Ah yes, I like the look on your face, Moebius. You really don't know what to do now, do you? And the sight of you with that teddy bear opens up all sorts of new and exciting possibilities in the area of blackmail...  
  
Moebius: Kain's devious influence as poisoned your mind, Raziel. Now you see teddy bears everywhere, even in your closest allies.  
  
Raziel: We were never allies, Moebius. Well, maybe when I was human, as I can't remember that life. But I can't believe that I'd ever have been friends with someone who carries around Winnie the Pooh.  
  
Moebius: His name is Cuddles, not Winnie the Pooh! Er, I mean, why didn't you kill Kain just now? He was at your mercy!  
  
Raziel: No he wasn't, he was in the Chapel. And now your plans are all falling apart, all because I decided to exert my will for once, rather than obey the demands of sorcerers and spirits and demons all singing the same tiresome theme tune to Mary Poppins.  
  
Moebius: But you condemn us all with this impetuous act!  
  
Raziel: I deemed Mary Poppins a greater threat than Kain, old man.  
  
Moebius: Raziel, do not forget your purpose here - you are destined to be the savior of Nosgoth!  
  
Raziel: Nah, can't be bothered. I'm too busy trying to find this legendary coin I keep hearing about. Go - in there. And if there are any block puzzles in this room, it will go very hard on you...  
  
Raziel shoves Moebius into the Time Chamber.  
  
Raziel: Operate the device, and send me to a time before the Sarafan began their crusade.  
  
Moebius: And what about Kain?  
  
Raziel: And people say I go on about block puzzles! You kill him then! You're the one who seems so desperate to bump him off!  
  
Moebius: You need only touch the two poles of the switch, and the device will transport you. But I urge you to reconsider...  
  
Raziel: Bite my shiny metal ass!  
  
Moebius: Come again?  
  
Raziel disappears in a flash of special effects. When his vision clears, he finds himself in a neat, futuristic room, surrounded by people in clean uniforms, wearing strange little metallic badges.  
  
Raziel: (VO) They say that what you say comes back to haunt you. It appears that the fates were listening to a throwaway remark I had made earlier, and stranded me in an episode of Star Trek: Voyager...  
  
Janeway: Security alert!  
  
Tuvok fires a phaser at Raziel, who promptly disappears into the spectral realm.  
  
Janeway: Tuvok! You killed him!  
  
Tuvok: Impossible. My phaser was set to stun...  
  
Raziel re-emerges just behind Tuvok, and smashes him into dreamland.  
  
Raziel: Jerk! What was that for?!  
  
Kim: Captain! We've got bigger problems! A Borg ship just caught up with us!  
  
Janeway: Put it on the screen!  
  
On the screen, the giant cubical ship appears. Raziel's eyes widen, as the shape of the ship causes him to lose any form of self control.  
  
Raziel: No...it can't be...it's...BLOCK PUZZLES!!! IT WAS THEM! THEY MADE THE BLOCK PUZZLES!!!  
  
Raziel grabs Kim's console and transports himself to the Borg ship.  
  
Borg: We are the Borg. Resistance is futile. You will be assim...  
  
Raziel: BLOCK PUZZLES! HERE BLOCK PUZZLES! THERE BLOCK PUZZLES! EVERYWHERE I LOOK, BLOCK PUZZLES!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!  
  
Borg: Oh crap! Run!  
  
For five minutes, Raziel runs around the Borg ship, laughing insanely and slashing at the Borg with the Soul Reaver. They try to adapt, but they've never had to adapt to a weapon that tears the souls out of their bodies and gobbles them up, so they fail. Finally, Raziel diappears back into Nosgoth, and the Borg limp back home, resolving to change the design of their future ships. And now you know why in later episodes the Borg started using sphere- shaped ships... 


	3. Chapter 3 - Mostly talks with other char...

The mists clear, and Raziel reappears in the Time-Streaming chamber. He throws away a Borg's head and walks out of the room. The Stronghold is crumbling and ruined, so much so that the night sky can be seen, and the rainstorm pounds at the interior of the castle. Raziel quickly whips off his cowl, grabs a nearby rusty polearm, does a quick bit of work and fashions a crude umbrella!  
  
Raziel: (VO) Even as I emerged from the Time-Streaming chamber, I suspected treachery. I mean, anyone with half a brain would have realised that Moebius was going to trick them and screw around with them. What was I thinking, allowing him to just cast me into the Time-stream like that? Obviously, my jaw and abdomen weren't the only things that were burned away in the abyss - my brain was probably with them in the next life. Maybe they were having a party, all of Raziel's body parts getting together in a sunny field for a nice picnic. My tongue would be happily guzzling down a bowl of ice cream, while my rib bones would be snacking on sandwiches...and I'd just gotten to my pelvis when I started to wonder what in the world I was doing fantasising about a picnic for my non-existant body parts for. I really needed that therapy. Perhaps I should go back in time to a point when Nupraptor, the Guardian of the Mind, was alive and hire him as a psychiatrist. Then again, considering how he turned out, perhaps I should just concentrate on getting through the game. Anyway, the point is that the Stronghold was vacant, derelict, abandoned. Either the Sarafan had just had a really wild night, with alcohol, gambling, and a couple of visits to the brothels of Nosgoth (and why does Nosgoth have so many brothels? There were at least ten seen in Blood Omen, and how many schools or hospitals were there? Was Nosgoth populated by a load of school dropouts with big libidos? Although that might explain why someone as supposedly wise as Nupraptor would be dating the only girl in Nosgoth who's idea of make-up was to polish her skull...but I digress), or that little git Moebius had sent me to a far off future where chaos and demons roamed...  
  
Suddenly, a pair of demons appear in front of Raziel.  
  
Demon: Raziel...  
  
Raziel: Yes?  
  
The demons start attacking Raziel, who ducks and dodges while taking care to keep his umbrella up.  
  
Raziel: I can't hear you! What do you want? Don't try to take my head off when you're asking a question!  
  
The demons spit a poisonous mist towards Raziel. Still clueless, he jumps back and continues to speak.  
  
Raziel: If you're looking for the library, it's in Willendorf, a couple of hundred years in the past...  
  
The demons, frustrated to insanity by Raziel's ramblings, decide that their best bet is just to put themselves out of their misery. A few seconds, and two suicidal demons later, Raziel shrugs and walks off through the ruins. He takes a few steps, then sees a pile of rubble, a couple of them being vaguely cube-shaped. Raziel screams, and cowers behind his umbrella. A few moments pass, then Raziel carefully looks at the blocks. He touches them gently, then looks around. He breathes a sigh of relief as he realises that they are just blocks, not block puzzles. Eventually, he comes to a large room with a statue of Moebius, heroically holding up the head of Vorador. Raziel takes a few seconds to draw a curled moustache on the statue, and a pair of glasses, then steps back to consider his situation.  
  
Raziel: (VO) If I had any doubts about the era I now occupied, then a calendar would eliminate them. I had fond memories of my days as the head of the Razelim, each year getting the latest "Vampire Chicks in Velvet Calendar". I'd just gotten the calendar for 53473KD (Kain Domini) when I was chucked into the Lake of the Dead. But even without the calendar, this statue was a pointer. For here was Moebius, lionised and viatified as the martyred leader of his bloodthirsty crusade, holding the severed head of Vorador, and all signs of his teddy bear missing. It was a disgrace. The marble had clearly been imported from Dark Eden, cheaper yes, but of a far less quality than home-quarried stone. What's more, Moebius had obviously sent me into Nosgoth's future, not the past. It really annoyed me, but there was little I could do - he'd pretty much stranded me. I decided to make my way to the area that Janos Audron had once lived, to see if he'd left me any clues as to where I could get a hold of this coin I kept hearing about. Maybe, if it was such a special coin, I could use it to catch a taxi back to the past.  
  
Raziel saunters along, until suprise suprise, he runs into Moebius' ghost, hanging around and playing cat's cradle. On seeing Raziel, Moebius throws the string away and starts to speak.  
  
Moebius: Raziel...  
  
Raziel: Oh, what now? Can't you leave me in peace?  
  
Moebius: I need to speak to you.  
  
Raziel: I don't want to speak to you. You left me in the future, you creep!  
  
Moebius: I am truly sorry, Raziel, but it was necessary. Consider it the last valiant act of a doomed man. You have strayed from your purpose, and now behold the result - gaze upon the wasteland you and Kain authored together!  
  
Raziel: It wasn't me! An older Vampire told me to do it!  
  
Moebius: You spared Kain! And by doing so, you have released a multitude of horrors upon this world.  
  
Raziel: The block puzzles are back?  
  
Moebius: I can accept that Kain has murdered me, Raziel. As the Time Guardian, I forsaw that incident long before it occurred. And I take some small comfort in the fact that Kain remains the sole survivor of his vile breed. But you have single-handedly made...Raziel? What is that?  
  
Raziel: It's an umbrella! I made it to stop the rain dripping on my hair!  
  
Moebius: You've slain warriors, vampires, monsters, and survived death twice, and you're worrying about rain?  
  
Raziel: I like my hair! It took me ages to gel it enough to stop a thousand years burning in the abyss from messing it up!  
  
Moebius: But that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!  
  
Raziel: I don't think this has anything to do with my umbrella. I think you're simply afraid - because you don't know what Kain's up to. He's a wild-card, isn't he, and you don't want his influence in your game. Which is why you wanted me to eliminate him.  
  
Moebius: Well, he does always cheat in Cluedo, but that's not why I want him dead! Now go! Leave my spirit in peace!  
  
Raziel: If you are really a spirit. Remember, I have a way to tell for certain...  
  
Raziel reaches up to grab his cowl, then realises he's using it as an umbrella. He snatches it off the spear, wraps it around the lower half of his face, then pulls it down slightly, like he does when devouring souls. Moebius jumps out a nearby window. We hear a scream and a splash from several floors down, where the moat is. Raziel chuckles, and leaves the stronghold. He scoots through Nosgoth for a while, killing some demons and a few humans (who don't seem to bow down and worship himlike in the first game - that was a real ego-boost!). Eventually, he reaches the Pillars. Ariel is milling around, speaking mournfully.  
  
Ariel: Forever am I bound, hope abandoned, my spirit tethered to this place. What destroyed the Circle could not touch me, for I was newly dead, and beyond harm's reach. I alone was spared the descent into madness, and Kain alone was spared the pain of death. When Nupraptor's poison seized Kain even in the safety of the womb, much more than just his destiny was lost. All of Nosgoth lost Balance. Consider us now, both of us less than we once were. I, pure but insubstantial; and Kain, terribly real, but corrupted.  
  
Raziel: Ariel...  
  
Ariel: Hmmm? Sorry, I've got company. I'll call you back.  
  
Ariel turns off her mobile phone and looks down at Raziel.  
  
Raziel: You keep going on and on about Kain, but we both know that he's not the thing keeping you here, don't we now?  
  
Ariel: I don't know about you, but I do think that. If I didn't, I wouldn't have spent about 400 years droning on about it over the phone!  
  
Raziel: Hey, none of this would have happened if you and the rest of that freak show circus that called themselves the Circle of Nine hadn't invited those dark forces in the first place. I mean, what were you thinking???  
  
Ariel: OK, so we screwed up, but Kain didn't help, choosing the Damn Nosgoth Card like that!  
  
Raziel: Perhaps you shouldn't have brought up both the cards like that.  
  
Ariel: I had to. 90% of the Legacy of Kain fans wouldn't have been happy with a nice, Good Happy Ending.  
  
Raziel: But...  
  
Ariel: Why are you defending him, anyway? I thought you and he hated each other.  
  
Raziel: How do you know that? You didn't even know who I was in a couple of millenia from now!  
  
Ariel: Er...I...um...  
  
Ariel quickly fades into the Sprectral Plane. Raziel tuts irritably, then follows, suprising Ariel.  
  
Ariel: Oh, crap. You're more persistant than a bunch of Jehovah's Witnesses! Show me some mercy!  
  
Raziel: Like the mercy Kain showed me when he tore off my wings? Or the mercy he showed me when he threw me into the abyss? Or the mercy Moebius showed me when he stranded me in the future?  
  
Ariel: Er...if you want to prove a point, shouldn't you be talking about the bad things I've done?  
  
Raziel: Look, sister, this is MY game, I'M the hero! People play Soul Reaver for Raziel, not some half-faced ghost with psychiatric problems!  
  
Ariel: You are cruel. Why do you torment me?  
  
Raziel: Fine, I'll go make fun of someone else. But know this about you, and your little purgatory - you're only at the threshold...  
  
Ariel: What are you going to do? Throw block puzzles at me?  
  
Raziel gets angry at Ariel's insult, and he swipes at her with the Reaver, only to have her disappear while blowing a raspberry at him. Raziel storms off, eventually walking into the chamber under the Pillars yet again. This time, the Elder God's tentacles are reaching up to the top of the chamber, around the ruined Pillars, and he has wrecked the murals that were there before.  
  
Elder God: Raziel, the failed assassin. You had Kain at your mercy but lacked the courage to fulfill the act. And now you see the wasteland wrought by the tryrant's hand. By his selfish decision to preserve his own life, even when it meant sacrificing the whole world. This is the fate of Nosgoth, as long as Kain remains alive.  
  
Raziel: An ironic condemnation, given this guilty scene. One would think you'd torn down the Pillars single-handedly. What are you trying to obliterate as you drag your loathesome body through this chamber?  
  
Elder God: Nothing. It was just a heavy night's drinking with a couple of friends.  
  
Raziel: Friends?! Who'd be your drinking buddy??? Sharkey and George? Ecco the Dolphin? the cast of the Little Mermaid?  
  
Elder God: Do not test my patience, Raziel. I made you, and I will unmake you if I become so inclined.  
  
Raziel: Duh! I can't die any more, can I? You should know that already!  
  
Elder God: There are fates worse than death, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Unless you're going to force me to give you a sponge bath, I'm far from worried.  
  
Elder God: Go now. Play out your pitiful rebellion, and take your place among the destroyed, the used and the damned. But know this - you are mine for eternity. You have always been, and will always be, my Soul Reaver.  
  
Raziel: Even when I was Kain's Vampire son?  
  
Elder God: Er...  
  
Raziel: Or now, when I'm disobeying you?  
  
Elder God: Um...  
  
Raziel: Or when I was just a human?  
  
Elder God: Oh, get lost, will you?  
  
Raziel leaves the chamber, sauntering off into the swamp in the Termogent Forest again. He spies the broken-yet-standing door he saw in the earlier time.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Beyond this edifice lay my sole hope of escaping this demon- infested wasteland. The Time Streaming device contained therin offered my only prospect of journeying back into Nosgoth's early history.  
  
Unless I discovered some means of breaking this seal, I was condemned to be stranded here eternally, as I was obviously too dumb to just pull down a couple of trees to fashion a battering ram. Sure, it'd probably take some time, but Janos wasn't about to go anywhere, was he?  
  
Raziel makes his way north into the mountains, and comes across the quaint hamlet of Uschtenheim, abandoned and ruined, where legend claimed that Janos Audron terrorised its villagers until the Sarafan hunters ferreted him out and destroyed him.  
  
Raziel: (VO) I came across the quaint hamlet of Uschtenheim, abandoned and ruined, where legend claimed that Janos Audron terrorised its villagers until the Sarafan hunters ferreted him out and destroyed him...  
  
Hey!!! Quit copying!  
  
Raziel: (VO) Sorry, but in the last few weeks, I've been resurrected from being destroyed, sent spiralling through time, forced to go through a load of block puzzles, killed more times than I can count, played to death by a small army of Legacy of Kain fans, and now shoved into a parody of the Soul Reaver 2 script by some jackass with no life and too much time on his hands...  
  
A large metal weight with a label saying "10 tons" falls on Raziel's head.  
  
Raziel: (VO) OWWWWW! Owowowow...damn it! Oh, very mature.  
  
Raziel is suddenly wearing a pink tutu and a red ribbon bow around his head, and has a t-shirt saying "I was killed by Kain, resurrected by a giant squid, and sent hurtling through time, and all I got was this lousy t- shirt".  
  
Raziel: (VO) OK, I'm sorry!!!  
  
Suddenly, Raziel is looking his old self again. Relieved, he walks off to Janos Audron's stronghold. It is wrecked, and obviously too late to provide any help to poor Raziel. Raziel is just considering his next move when he senses a presence behind him. He spins around.  
  
Raziel: Oh no. Every time you turn up something monumental and terrible happens. I don't think I have the stomach for it.  
  
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: It does? Like what?  
  
Raziel: Like an episode of your stupid TV show!  
  
Raziel launches at Buffy and murders her horribly, an act that has no significance other than to show just how much Buffy gets on the nerves of the author. Raziel nods in satisfaction at a job well done, turns around, and walks right into Kain.  
  
Raziel: What the..? Oh no, not you too!  
  
Kain: Hey, Raz. Enjoying yourself?  
  
Raziel: Not really. What about you? Still waiting for your coin to land?  
  
Kain: Are you still fixtated over that stupid metaphor?  
  
Raziel: Metaphor? Isn't that a type of motorbike?  
  
Kain: Changing the subject, I see Moebius has played a little trick on you.  
  
Raziel: Yes. Either he doesn't want me to meet Janos Audron, or he's just jealous because I'm getting more lines than he is in this game - again!  
  
Kain: Or maybe he merely hoped that it would harden your heart against me to see this wasteland which I single-handedly authored.  
  
Raziel: I don't think I have a heart. It burned away in the abyss...  
  
Kain: Janos is indeed the key to your destiny, but you'll need to find your own way back into Nosgoth's past. Make no mistake though, Raziel - you and I are now in great danger. We are irritants here - malevolent forces are being marshalled to eliminate us.  
  
Raziel: Well, they're certainly trying to eliminate you, Kain, there can be no doubt of that. I am assulted relentlessly with demands for your demise. As for me, I suspect they made a grave error when they allowed my unique resurrection.  
  
Kain: You musn't underest...  
  
Raziel: Give me my unique resurrection! First he takes my wings, then he takes my unique resurrection! The man has no pity!  
  
Kain: Can't you stop copying from other people?  
  
Raziel: What? Michael Bell said that, and he's my voice actor!  
  
Kain: Raziel, Michael Bell is a talented voice actor, while you are a fictional character. Worse, you're a fictional character in a parody based on a fictional character in a video game! So don't be so proud of a line from an out take reel.  
  
Raziel: We already did the whole "Breaking the Fourth Wall" joke, Kain. I got hit on the head with a ten ton weight.  
  
Kain: I'm sick of all this. I'm sick of you, with your stupid bath towel wrapped around your head. I'm sick of looking like a cross between Vorador and an extra in a 1960s Greek Mythology movie. And I'm sick of playing second fiddle to you! This series is Legacy of KAIN! I'm the main character! I'm the most powerful Vampire Lord in Nosgoth! I'm voiced by Simon "I have the best evil laugh in the world" Templeman! And look at me now! Stuck in a stupid, unoriginal parody script by some loser with a twisted sense of humour!  
  
Kain suddenly finds himself wearing a straw hat, a pair of bermuda shorts and a leather jacket with a big love heart on the back, while he grows a curly French moustache.  
  
Kain: See?!  
  
Raziel: Why so angry, Kain?  
  
Kain: I can't take this anymore! I swear, I'm going insane!  
  
Raziel: Aww, poor boy! Come on, give us a cuddle!  
  
Kain gapes at Raziel, then runs away screaming, with Raziel chasing after him shouting "Just one hug! And maybe some Tom Jones music too!" Thankfully for Kain, Blood Omen 2 has just come out, distracting the author from thinking up new ways to torture him. 


	4. Chapter 4 - Pointless crossovers and mor...

We rejoin our heroes, Earthworm Raz and Kainey Puppy as they are tied up helplessly above a pit of spikes by their evil foe, Moebius-Elder-God-For-A- Head!  
  
Moebius: BWAHAHAHA!!! So, Earthworm Raz, look how helpless you and your canine companion are, trapped in my patented pit trap!  
  
Raz: Patented? It looks like a normal pit trap to me!  
  
Moebius: You think so? Well, maybe it is...except for one difference! The spikes are desinged so that, once they skewer you, they will transport you forward in time to the end of the universe! Even if you survive the spikes, the universe's end will take you with it! And then, I shall rule all of Nosgoth!  
  
Elder God chirps something.  
  
Moebius: Yes, including Coorhagen!  
  
Raz: You'll never get away with this, evil fiend!  
  
Moebius: Ha! Just watch me! Now I'll pull this lever and puncture you like...like...  
  
Elder God chirps.  
  
Moebius: Yes, like a squid eating...what? What's your obssession with bananas?! You're a squid, not a monkey!  
  
Elder God chirps.  
  
Moebius: No! For the last time, monkeys do NOT have tentacles!  
  
Kainey: Quick, Raz! Now's our chance!  
  
Raz: You got it, fuzz-buddy!  
  
Kainey: And quit calling me that!  
  
Raz pulls out his really big Reaver and slices through the ropes, pulling himself and Kainey to land just on the edge of the pit. He then aims the Reaver at his arguing enemy.  
  
Raz: Hey Moebius!  
  
Moebius: Huh?  
  
Raz: Eat projectile, foul Time Streamer! BWA HAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Raz fires a projectile off the Reaver, and blasts Moebius into the pit.  
  
Moebius: AAAGH! We're doomed!  
  
Elder God chirps.  
  
Moebius: NO!!! YOU ARE NOT A FLYING MONKEY! YOU ARE A BUNCH OF SQUID TENTACLES GRAFTED TO MY HEAD!!! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT, YOU STUPID B...  
  
Whatever profanity Moebius was about to say is lost as the spikes send him and his symboitic squid far off into the future.  
  
Kainey: Yes! Once again, the wings of tyranny are ripped off by the power- hungry Vampire Lord of justice!  
  
Raz: I have no idea what you're talking about, but who cares? I WIN!!!  
  
Raz leaps up into the air like a happy cartoon kid, but sadly lands on Kainey's foot. Kainey yelps in pain, then transforms into a huge, evil, purple version of Hash'Ak'Gik!  
  
Raz: Aw man, not again!  
  
Hash leaps at Raz and starts mauling him as the programme credits begin...  
  
Singer: Earthworm Raz - from the Abyss he did crawl!  
  
Earthworm Raz - a Soul Reaver did fall!  
  
Raz was just a Vamp drinking blood of human crap when...  
  
Raziel: AAAAAAAAAAGGGHHH!!!  
  
Raziel sits up sharply in his sleeping bag, in his camp in the Termogent Forest.  
  
Raziel: I've got to stop watching cartoons before bedtime!  
  
***  
  
Welcome to Part 4 of...  
  
SOUL REAVER 2A: ESCAPE FROM THE BLOCK PUZZLES!  
  
Tonight, Raziel finds a note from the long-dead Janos Audron informing him to go back in time to meet him, centuries before the events of Blood Omen! But Raziel is ever persued by his enemies, his so-called allies, and the watchful eyes of the dark forces and their sinister Block Puzzles...how long can Raziel keep ahead of his enemies? And how much more can his sanity take of this after that pointless Earthworm Jim crossover bit..?  
  
***  
  
After exploring Janos' ruined home (finding only a note pinned to the fridge saying "I'm dead, Raziel. Use Moebius' time-machine to come back to the past. I've got chocolate waiting for you!") and gaining the Air Reaver power-up, Raziel finds himself back in the swamp, staring at the door to the Time-Streaming chamber that he noticed earlier. Finally, he blasts the door down, entering the Chamber, only to find it blocked by a gap in the floor to wide to jump, even using his wings. Fortunately, there's an Air Plinth nearby.  
  
Raziel: (VO) I have no idea why Moebius would use an obstacle to guard his Chamber when the only way to counter it was through the Air Reaver. But then, the Sarafan guard their citadel with a gem that will only open with the Light Reaver. So presumably, the Sarafan were now all locked out, and would probably soon get into real trouble when they rang their doorbell and woke their parents up. Moebius, for his part, would be in real trouble once I got my hands on his...  
  
The Air Plinth sputters, as if it were clearing its throat impatiently.  
  
Raziel: (VO) I'm getting real tired of things interrupting my musings.  
  
Raziel uses the Plinth to enter the Chamber, and he activates the machinery.  
  
Raziel: (VO) So, into the Time-Stream I went. It was probably pretty stupid using the thing when I have no idea how to. For all I knew, it could be set to take me to the Sixties, a time when concepts like love, creativity and drug-induced happiness were all forbidden on pain of death. Hmmm? I'm in Nosgoth, remember? Things here aren't the same as in your world. For instance, did you know that in Nosgoth, a Microsoft is a slang term for a Wereworm? Yes, the poor soul turns into a small, wriggly worm every full moon. I personally prefer to concentrate on...  
  
Bored, the Time-Streaming Chamber boots Raziel far into the past...and into another world...  
  
Raziel lands on his head, on a grassy bank, near a huge crowd cheering at some guy being carted by in an odd-looking mechanical horseless cart. Raziel, dazed, gets up and looks around. A movement in a window some way away catches his attention, and he freezes when he sees the sign on the building. Unfortunately, due to his dazed state, he misreads the sign as the "Texas Block Depository".  
  
Raziel: The Block Puzzles...they're not getting me again!  
  
Raziel activates the Reaver and swings it to the building, just as two bangs, like those of a very small cannon, are heard. Raziel fires just as the second goes off, but as he does so, he slips on a banana peel. This has two effects. The first is that Raziel lands on an inflated crisp packet, causing another loud bang. The second is that his Reaver bolt is way off target, slamming into the man everyone was cheering. Raziel gets back up to see a scene of raging panic, and to read the sign correctly this time.  
  
Raziel: Ooops.  
  
Raziel quickly darts into a nearby alley to wait for his re-insertion into the Soul Reaver story.  
  
Raziel: That wasn't good. Well, let's just hope that the people forget after a while. I mean, how long could they obssess about who shot that guy?  
  
Raziel is then plucked out of this rather tasteless attempt at a comedy scene and thrown back into Nosgoth.  
  
Raziel: Mental note - whenever thrown into another world or series while time-travelling, don't do anything at all.  
  
Raziel reappears in the Chamber, and exits to find a nice, snowy day in the Termogent Forest.  
  
Raziel: (VO) To paraphrase that famous sci-fi characters - Luck, protector of fools, fledglings and beings named Raziel. Despite the fact that I had as much clue as to how the Time-Streaming Chamber worked as Melchiah had of winning "Most Beautiful Vampire in Nosgoth", I'd not only emerged from the Chamber alive, but judging by the Sarafan banners and dead Vampires, I'd appeared in the same time period that I'd been aiming for. It seemed almost too easy...but then again, I was due for a break! I skipped off, happily towards Janos' stronghold.  
  
Raziel makes his way via the pillars towards the northern mountains. Along the way, he runs into a bunch of Sarafan troops.  
  
Sarafan: There's another one! Get him!  
  
Raziel: Hey! I'm not a Vampire anymore! Look, Vampires have more flesh and a jaw...  
  
A Sarafan Warrior-Priest nearly decapitates Raziel with his axe.  
  
Raziel: If you'd just listen to me...  
  
The Sarafan really does decapitate Raziel this time. Raziel fades into the Spectral Plane.  
  
Raziel: You git!  
  
Raziel uses a portal to warp back to the Material Realm, activates the Reaver, and attacks the Sarafan.  
  
Sarafan: Hey! That's not fair! All the other Vampires die when we chop their heads off! Why won't you?!  
  
Raziel: Because I'm the protaganist, not some background sprite!  
  
Raziel kills the Sarafan.  
  
Raziel strolls through the mountains, occasionally stopping to kill his former brethren (and those annoying sorceresses who won't stand and fight), before finally arriving at Janos Audron's home.  
  
Raziel: After my long journey, I finally stood on the threshold of enlightenment. For here was Janos Audron's mountain retreat, intact and unblemished. The upheaval that would one day topple this ancient edifice had not yet occurred, and while I had no certainty that Janos still lived, this scene boded well, for I presumed that the collapse of the retreat must have followed the ancient vampire's demise. Unless of course his maid had retired first, of course. There was only one obstacle - how to reach the balcony suspended at that maddening height? This was the architecture of winged creatures. The tattered ruins of my wings were of no use. I would need to devise some other means into that mountain. If only I could find that pogo stick. Or an Air Plinth. Or be able to climb! I mean, Why in Nosgoth can't I just climb up to the stupid balcony? It's not like the wall is utterly devoid of handholds, and I've climbed sheer walls before. Huh. Somewhere, I bet Zephon is laughing his guts out at me.  
  
Raziel eventually finds a way into the labyrinth, where he has to navigate via some blood-related puzzles that are much too close to block puzzles for his liking.  
  
Raziel: The object of my quest lay just beyond my grasp, for here, suspended at the apex of the chamber, was the threshold that surely led to the great Vampire himself. I didn't know whether Janos Audron was the monster depicted in the Stronghold, or one of the noble creatures memorialized among the ruins of the ancient vampires, and I didn't care. Demon or angel, he alone held the key to my destiny. But I told myself, he'd damn well better have the answers I seek after these stupid "fill the goblet and pour into the bowl" puzzles. As for the now-infamous coin, it had better be worth a lot of money! I intended to buy my own Vampire army, just like Kain did (except he didn't buy them), rampage the land and cleanse Nosgoth of all puzzles. First, though, I had to find a way to reach Janos...and then it hit me!  
  
Raziel walks right into a lever, which hits him across the chest. Staggering back up, Raziel pulls it, and a lift opens, which then takes him to Janos's antechamber. Walking out of the convinient lift, Raziel addresses a blue-skinned, angelic-looking creature with large wings.  
  
Raziel: Janos Audron?  
  
Janos: It is heartening, after all these years, to hear my name spoken without contempt...Raziel?My child, what have they done to you?  
  
Raziel bursts into tears and hugs Janos like a child hugging a parent.  
  
Raziel: It was horrible, Janos! They made me go through block puzzles! BLOCK PUZZLES! So many of them! I thought I'd go mad!!!  
  
Janos: I know the feeling. For thousands of years, I have waited alone here, losing faith. At the time of the Binding, nine guardians were called to serve the Pillars. And I was summoned as the tenth guardian - the keeper of the Reaver, the weapon of our salvation.  
  
Raziel: But you never had to deal with Block Puzzles!  
  
Janos: Over time, our race died out. Until I alone remained... sustained only by my obligation to you, and by my guardianship of the blade.  
  
Raziel: And the other nine? Why did their guardianship not sustain them?  
  
Janos: I don't know. But I suspect laziness. I told them that we should have actually checked their references when we interviewed those Guardians. That States Guardian in particular, he had a really slothful look about him. But I digress. As our race dwindled, the humans prospered. I have watched, over the centuries, as our history faded into myth, and finally receeded altogether. The humans have forgotten us entirely, and claimed the Pillars for themselves - wholly ignorant of their true purpose. To them, I am merely a devil; the origin of their vampire 'plague'.  
  
Raziel: Why would the Pillars summon human guardians, then, if they are meant to be served by vampires?  
  
Janos: Because we entrusted their programming to Microsoft, and by the time we found out just how serious the bugs were, Vampires were no longer born, so we had to use humans for the Pillars v 1.01. This is the crux of our dilemma. And this is the terrible irony - with their Vampire purge and the increasing relience on Windows NT, the members of the Circle have assulted the very architects of the Pillars they are sworn to protect. They have embarked on a treacherous path. With every vampire they kill, and every Linux OS they destroy, the humans are slitting their own throats.  
  
Raziel: I get the feeling you're not Bill Gates' biggest fan.  
  
Janos: They know I'm up here, beyond their reach, and it terrifies them. McDonalds know that I know their terrible secret, and they dread the day I let the papers know. Plus, the Sarafan aren't overly happy with me either.  
  
Raziel: This is turning into a rant against big companies! When are you going to get to the Coin I've been hearing about?  
  
Janos: You can see how they flaunt their kills to torment me... or perhaps simply to lure me out.  
  
They have this foolish notion that destroying me will somehow topple our entire bloodline.  
  
Thankfully, we're not that fragile.  
  
Raziel: Hello? Coin? Are you listening to me?  
  
Janos: Don't try to find the coin, Raziel. That is impossible. Instead, try to realise that there is no coin.  
  
Raziel: Oh, great. Now we've begun the Matrix quotes. That movie has only brought me confusion and headaches, just like mankind seems to have brought you only torment and grief. You must hate them.  
  
Janos: They fear what they don't understand; and they despise what they fear. Plus they invented stiff shirt collars and morris dancing. But no - I do not hate them.  
  
Raziel: Vorador does.  
  
Janos: He was forced into much morris dancing. He cannot forgive them.  
  
Raziel: Should they be forgiven?  
  
Janos: They don't understand what they're doing. They are simply unenlightened, vulnarable to maniplation, and suffering from a terminal lack of common sense.  
  
Raziel: So it's all true, then - what Kain and Vorador have told me - I really am some kind of unholy vampire messiah.  
  
Janos: Unholy? -no. Messiah... perhaps.  
  
Raziel: I don't like that word - it smells of brussel sprouts.  
  
Janos: The Binding must be secured, Raziel. The Pillars are the lock...  
  
Raziel: ...and the Reaver is the key?  
  
Janos: Yes.  
  
Janos leads Raziel to a large ornate chest with a sign on it saying "I thank you for not stealing the Ultimate Weapon. Thanks! JA :)". He opens it, and brings out the physical version of the Reaver. Strangely enough, the sense of vertigo that happens when Raziel approached the blade all the other times doesn't happen. Of course, by this time Raziel has sobered up.  
  
Raziel: The Reaver is here? Why do I feel nothing?  
  
Janos: Because you've stopped eating the magic mushrroms. The most formidable weapon ever forged by our swordsmiths. They infused the blade with vampiric energy, empowering the Reaver to drain our enemies of their precious lifeblood.  
  
Raziel: (VO)As Janos presented the blade, an inexplicable sense of dread crept over me, more palpable than anything I'd felt before, except possibly that time I looked out my window and saw a pair of Jehovah's Witnesses walking towards my front door. I was at once horribly repelled, and yet irresistibly compelled to reach out to them, reach out and tear out their throats. The Reaver had a similar effect, except the urge was to pick it up, not kill it.  
  
Raziel: Please - take it away from me. I've already got one. What I'd really like is a plasma gun from Doom. Or maybe a sniper rifle?  
  
Janos: Those are not worthy of you.  
  
Raziel: Well, what if we imbued it like the Reaver? The Soul Rifle. I think it sounds pretty groovy!  
  
From outside the door, there comes the sound of armoured soldiers walking, and voices. One voice is heard over the others, speaking in a dark, sinister tone...  
  
Voice: I TOLD you the little blue creep went this way! That's the last time we trust you with the directions, Dumah!  
  
Janos: I fear you have been followed.  
  
Raziel: Really? I was hoping you'd left the TV on in the other room...  
  
The door bursts off its hinges, revealing a group of Sarafan Warrior- Priests, armed with cruel weapons, and Moebius' staff.  
  
Janos: The door was unlocked, you know!  
  
Sarafan (who sounds a lot like Raziel): Sorry. Mr "I want to break everything to make myself look big" Rahab was watching Sneakers last night. Anyway, what were we doing..? Oh yes, I remember. *ahem* Janos Audron! Finally, foul fiend, you shall meet your end!  
  
Sarafan (who sounds a lot like Melchiah): Oh no, he's been watching Flight of Dragons again! Help me, guys!  
  
The other Sarafan start slapping the sense back into their leader. One of them turns to Janos and Raziel.  
  
Sarafan (who sounds a lot like Turel, not that we'd know because he never actually turned up in Soul Reaver 1!): Sorry, this'll take a second. You guys might want to grab a sandwich or something.  
  
Janos: You must save yourself, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: Janos - no! I want that sandwich!  
  
Janos teleports Raziel out of the room. He reappears on the other side of a locked door, where he can hear horrible screams on the other side, and a voice saying "Sorry Janos, he must have seen A Knight's Tale too! We'll get round to killing you in a couple of minutes."  
  
Raziel: (VO) My surroundings whirled sickeningly, and I found myself transported safely away from the ambush, to an adjacent chamber. Janos had delivered me from the Sarafan, selflessly forfeiting his own safety to preserve my life. And now I feared that my newfound mentor would be slaughtered by the very crusaders I had so recently revered. The irony pierced me, despite the fact that Janos had also prevented me from having a nice cheese sandwich, for I realized that I had been duped by Moebius from the beginning. The Sarafan had simply followed the path I gullibly blazed through this sanctuary, and had arrived bearing Moebius's staff. Thus armed, they had Janos at their mercy. It seemed Janos had conveyed me into the heart of the Fire shrine. I thought perhaps if I could complete the forge and imbue the Reaver in time, I might have a slim chance of saving Janos from his grisly fate. Hopefully, it'd take them several minutes to snap their leader from that fit of corny dialogue he seemed trapped in.  
  
A couple of minutes later, and for once not blocked by any block puzzles (blocked by block puzzles! Get it! huh? No? Oh well, suit yourself then.), Raziel has imbued the Reaver with Fire. He races back to Janos' room and opens the door with the Fire Reaver. Sadly, it looks like he's arrived too late. The Sarafan, who have removed their helmets and are obviously the humans who would become Kain's Vampire sons. Well, I say obviously, we've only seen Raziel's human-like face before, in a statue and kind of in the Soul Reaver 1 intro, but it seems like a reasonable assumption. Anyway, the human Raziel rips open Janos' chest and pulls out Janos' heart.  
  
Turel (probably, all these Sarafan look the same to me): Look at his black heart, how still it beats!  
  
Zephon: What?  
  
Turel: Dammit! I was up all night practicing that line!  
  
Suddenly, the entire building shakes.  
  
Dumah (maybe): The fiend intends to bury us alive!  
  
Janos: (weakly) No, I just left the furnace on...  
  
Dumah: Raziel, we must get out of here!  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Remember the sword!  
  
The Sarafan rush out of the room, Dumah pausing to cross off the word "not" on the note on the chest, and to grab the Reaver. Raziel rushes over to Janos' side.  
  
Raziel: I'm sorry...  
  
Janos: No, Raziel. Perhaps this was my true purpose - to save you this once. Embrace your destiny. Reclaim the Reaver. It alone was forged for you, and you alone.  
  
Raziel: You said "alone" twice. I think you're mixing up your lines with the out-takes. Thos out-takes seem to be cropping up a lot in this parody...  
  
Janos: I've just had my heart ripped out! What do you expect, perfectly quoted Shakespeare?!  
  
Raziel: How about Robert Frost. He's good, and it'd be easier...  
  
Janos: Oh good grief...  
  
Janos dies (apparently, the events in Blood Omen 2 might suggest otherwise), and Raziel sadly leaves the building, moments before it collapses. He lands on the frozen lake.  
  
Raziel: (VO) As I backed away from Janos's body, I was overwhelmed by a sense of self-loathing so deep, I could barely contain it. In that instant, I rejected all that I ever was, and embraced the role Janos had safeguarded for me so patiently throughout the centuries. I knew then what I had to do - the task for which I was uniquely...  
  
Raziel stops as he sees Rahab slink back into the ruined building. A few moments later, he comes out, sheepishly holding Moebius' staff.  
  
Rahab: Er...forgot this.  
  
Raziel: It'll be the last thing you ever forget, you Sarafan dog! Prepare to die!  
  
Rahab: Behind you! A block puzzle!  
  
Raziel: What? Where?!  
  
Raziel spins around, only to see mountains, snow, and a few Vampire bodies.  
  
Raziel: I think you're mistaken, Rah...  
  
Raziel turns back, only to see Rahab disappear around a corner, laughing like a madman.  
  
Raziel: Why you little...  
  
Raziel charges across the frozen lake, swearing vengeance. Halfway across, though, the ice breaks, and he falls in with a loud splash. The water muffles his comments, which is just as well, because most of them are unprintable anyway. 


	5. Chapter 5 - Clash of the Incompetant Tit...

The scene is a news reporter, smiling at the camera with a microphone in her hand.  
  
Reporter: Hi, and welcome to Nosgoth at Ten. Tonight, our top story, the Sarafan win a major battle in their war against the Vampires. I have here Mr Raziel, who has graciously taken time out from running back to the Sarafan Stronghold to talk to me here. Mr Raziel.  
  
Sarafan Raziel: A pleasure. I love to see my face on the Crystal Ball Service.  
  
Reporter: Just as the CBS is always pleased to interview you. Mr Raziel, can you tell us about your latest victory?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Indeed I can. After much brilliant strategising by me, and despite the bungling of my Sarafan bretheren, I finally managed to destroy Janos Audron!  
  
Reporter: Is this the Janos Audron who is thought of as an Angel, a benevolent figure who regularly donates to orphanages and was recently voted "Most Popular Non-human Entity" in the Uschtenheim Gazzette?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Er...no...this was a completely different Janos Audron! One who terrorised the population of the Western Mountains and the town of Uschtenheim until I heroically dispatched him to the abyss!  
  
Reporter: How come we haven't heard of this evil Janos before?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: Because the Sarafan Propaganda can only move so fast, alright?!  
  
Reporter: I see. Next question - what's with the big nasty-looking sword there?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: A weapon that I freed from the grasp of Janos Audron. A fine weapon indeed, and one that should have a grand name to go with it. I was thinking of...the Sword of the Amazing and All-Round Groovy Guy Called Raziel!  
  
Reporter: Uh-huh. What do you make of the opinions of certain people in Nosgoth that the Sarafan are a group of psychopathic goons and an insane Time-Streamer masquerading as heroes, led by a brain-dead jackass who's ego is so big that he has to hire a horse and cart to carry it around with him?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: I can see how a minority might wrongly think that, but frankly, we're a poweful army with dictatorial tendencies who have Nosgoth in our grip, so we couldn't care less what a few Vampire-loving rebels think. Any more questions?  
  
Reporter: Yes - is there any truth to the rumours of a passion-filled night involving you, the entire staff of three brothels, Mortanius the Death Guardian and an amorous Block Puzzle?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: This interview is over!  
  
The Sarafan storm off.  
  
Reporter: Well, that's the view of the Sarafan, but what about an average Nosgothian? Excuse me, sir!  
  
Raziel (who is still chasing the Sarafan after climbing out of the frozen lake he fell into): Yes?  
  
Reporter: I wonder if you'd mind answering a few questions.  
  
Raziel: Well, I'm chasing a bunch of Sarafan to get a heart back so I can resurrect a newly-found mentor to help me save the fate of Nosgoth, but sure, I can spare a minute.  
  
Reporter: Well, firstly, what's your name?  
  
Raziel: Raziel.  
  
Reporter: Oh, just like the leader of the Sarafan! What a coincidence!  
  
Raziel: Yes...coincidence...  
  
Reporter: So, what are your views of the Sarafan?  
  
Raziel: Well, until an hour ago, I thought they were the bees knees, but after they tore the heart out of my friend Janos, my opinion has darkened slightly.  
  
Reporter: So you're against their "Tough on Undeath" campaign in the run-up to election?  
  
Raziel: Election?  
  
Reporter: Sorry, slip of the tongue, I meant massacre.  
  
Raziel: If it's Sarafan, I'm against it. I mean, how can you trust a megalomaniacal army whose name sounds like a brand of toilet paper? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to save Nosgoth.  
  
A bunch of Demons suddenly appear in bursts of flame, towering over Raziel and the reporter.  
  
Demon: We've been expecting you, little Raziel.  
  
Raziel: (VO) So, these demonic pests were not merely the product of Nosgoth's corrupted future, for here they were, hurtling...  
  
Reporter: Raziel? Who are you talking to?  
  
Raziel: What? Oh, now you've made me lose my concentration!  
  
Demon: Do you really think you can save Nosgoth? Let me enlighten you, poor Raziel.  
  
Reporter: Excuse me, sir.  
  
Demon: Who, me?  
  
Reporter: Yes. I was wondering, could you tell us about yourself, and your part in this whole "Nosgoth is going to be destroyed" business?  
  
Demon: Well, er, as you ask, my name's Tran'fa'Rit, and I'm a Demon bent on destruction and chaos. I've been sent to slow down Raziel here as he chases his former self and the others back to the Sarafan Stronghold.  
  
Reporter: I see, and is there a reason that your dark masters want to see Nosgoth destroyed?  
  
Demon: Well, it all started over an argument about the Pillars. See, the foolish Winged Vampires intended to make the central Pillar that of Balance, while my masters argued that the obvious choice was the Pillar of Opposable Thumbs. Things escalated, and...  
  
Raziel jumps the Demon and slaughters him with the Reaver.  
  
Raziel: NO ONE PUSHES ME OUT OF THE SPOTLIGHT!!!!  
  
Raziel runs off, laughing insanely and shouting "I'm gonna get you, past- version-of-me!!!". The reporter watches him go, then turns back to the audience.  
  
Reporter: And now the weather forecast. It's going to be a fine, clear day today, though meteorologists say there is a 57% chance of feiry rains of flame in Dark Eden caused by instabilities in the sanity of Circle members, but should remain clear for a few hundred years...  
  
*****  
  
Welcome to Part 5 of...  
  
SOUL REAVER 2A - ESCAPE FROM THE BLOCK PUZZLES!!!  
  
In this, the final part of Soul Reaver 2a, Raziel continues his relentless quest of Janos' heart, pausing only for chats with reporters, Demons, Giant Squids, and the occasional monologue. Meanwhile, Kain returns from therapy a new Vampire, just in time to step into a dramatic conclusion....or possibly a cliffhanger ending, with a few block puzzles remarks thrown in. It's late, I just want to get this thing finished, I'm missing good stuff on TV for this, everyone's having fun except for me, lonely me writing this parody as a replacement for real life, I think I need a hug...etc, etc.  
  
*****  
  
We see the underground Pillar chamber with a small version of the Elder God present. From outside the chamber, we here the voices of a Demon and Raziel.  
  
Demon: You shall not pass!  
  
Raziel: Someone's been watching Lord of the Rings! Now's the time you learn you're not Gandalf!  
  
Demon: No matter how hard you battle, you shall never...huh? Wait...what are you doing with that pencil sharpner? No....NNNYYYYYAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
  
Raziel saunters into the chamber, where the Elder God seems displeased.  
  
Elder God: You have failed me, Raziel.  
  
Raziel: I wonder, Old One. Did you truly ressurrect me, or were you simply there when I awakened from my torment in the Abyss? I suspect you found me merely convenient. Dropped in your lair by Kain, indestructable for some reason. A durable and gullible tool for you to...  
  
Elder God: Fartface.  
  
Raziel: Er...what?  
  
Elder God: It's my final scene, and I only get one line? I think not. I want to say things! I want attention! Me! Look at me! I could be the next Christopher Lee, Vincent Price...  
  
Raziel: The next Hugh Grant?  
  
Elder God: Yes, the next Hugh Gr...no!!!  
  
Raziel skips out of the chamber, leaving a ranting giant squid behind. He carries on until a trio of Black Demons block his way at the Pillars.  
  
Demon: He thinks he can change his destiny.  
  
Demon: What a fool.  
  
Raziel: Look! It's Hash'ak'Gik!  
  
Demons: What? Where! I want his autograph!  
  
Raziel steps on that part of the floor of the Pillars that sticks out, the bit that looks like it should do something but doesn't. Instantly, the Demons are cast away by a large spring that catapults them into the distance.  
  
Some time later, Raziel makes it back into the Sarafan Stronghold. His escapades leading to this point could be detailed, but as they consist mainly of fighting Sarafan losers that die in three hits, it's not really worth it. We'll just skip to the point where he finds the Reaver just waiting for him, only to have Moebius and Malek appear behind him.  
  
Moebius: So, Raziel - here we are, finally. You have no choice but to confront me now - and I am not so foolish as I've let you believe. We have business to conclude.  
  
Raziel: Oh damn, are you going to launch off into another tangent again? Should I have brought a book?  
  
Moebius: *ahem* Janos?  
  
Raziel: Oh, right! You little bastard! You made me lead you to Janos! I'll kill you!  
  
Raziel moves to attack Moebius, but the Time-Streamer motions for Malek to block his path, and also uses his staff to disarm the Reaver.  
  
Moebius: I think not, Raziel. Malek,do not let this creature leave. He poses a danger to the Circle. Poor, deluded Raziel... did you somehow imagine you had the guile to change history on me? I'm the Time-Streamer - I knew your every intention before you did, you imbecile.  
  
Voice from distance: MALEEEEEEK!!!  
  
Vorador from distance: Call your dogs! They can feast on these sausages I brought them! I believe in being kind to animals...  
  
Malek: Lord Moebius, there is trouble within. The Circle is under attack...  
  
Moebius: Hold fast, Malek. This one is the real danger to us.  
  
Malek: But Mortanius will have my ass if the Circle gets killed...  
  
Moebius: Don't worry, I'll back you up.  
  
Malek nods, and turns back to Raziel. Moebius mouths "Yeah, right", and sticks his tongue out at Malek.  
  
Raziel: What are you trying to concoct here, Moebius?  
  
Moebius: Not much, just a little thing called decaffinated coffee.  
  
Raziel: Indeed...I admit that I've underestimated you to this point, Moebius - but it's a mistake I won't repeat.  
  
Raziel grabs the physical Reaver and flourishes it.  
  
Moebius: Wrong again.  
  
Moebius pulls Malek out, and the door locks. We hear their voices from the other side of the door.  
  
Malek: So exactly what did you need me here for, Moebius? I may as well have been a wax dummy for all the stuff I did here!  
  
Moebius: Oh, go get the crap beaten out of you by Vorador, will you?  
  
Raziel looks at the Reaver in his hand. He tries to drop it, but it won't come away. He tries pushing it away with his feet. Nothing. After the sandpaper, the chainsaw and the small thermonuclear device fail, he shrugs and walks deeper into the Stronghold...  
  
Raziel saunters through the Stronghold until he runs into two familiar Sarafan warriors - Melchiah and Zephon.  
  
Zephon: Come to take your revenge, Demon?  
  
Melchiah: Back to hell with you!  
  
Raziel: (VO) I recognized these two as my former brethren...in life as Sarafan, and in unlife as Kain's vampire 'sons'. Melchiah and Zephon, the weakest of Kain's brood. These bastards had no idea what future lay in store for them, how they would become the very thing they so despised, how they would be used as bit characters in a video game or two, how Zephon would only ever attract a small fan base and Melchiah only pity from the fans, while guys like me and Kain had hordes of Vampire-loving girls hording after us, desperate for us, and while Kain could enjoy himself, I didn't have the capability to take advantage of the star-struck girls, my body being little more than skin, bones, and no vital organs. I vowed that I would take out my frustrations on these two...  
  
Raziel stops his little voiceover when he realises that the Sarafan have been hacking away at him for about ten minutes now, yet the wounds they inflict instantly heal up.  
  
Zephon: Die, you little git!  
  
Melchiah: I've cut off this arm three times now!  
  
Zephon: I swear, if I was a huge, spider-like monster with my own personal army, this guy wouldn't stand a chance!  
  
Raziel: Oh, I think I could handle that.  
  
Zephon: You? The only reason you haven't had your head fall off yet is because it's supported by that stupid tea-towel...  
  
Raziel promptly cuts off Zephon's head.  
  
Raziel: Say what you will about me, but never, EVER, talk down to the towel! Now, Melchiah...  
  
Melchiah: Er...I don't suppose we could settle this over a cup of coffee...?  
  
Raziel stabs Melchiah through the heart.  
  
Raziel: I never drink...coffee...  
  
Melchiah dies, not because of the fatal wound, but from the sheer awfulness of Raziel's "joke". Raziel picks up Zephon's head.  
  
: Alas, poor Zephon, I knew him well. Well, not really.  
  
Zephon's head: That joke is soooo two games ago, Raziel!  
  
Raziel: Tasteless dead bastards.  
  
Raziel tosses the head away and continues deeper into the stronghold. Here, he meets Rahab and Dumah.  
  
Dumah: Have you come to reclaim the monster's black heart?  
  
Rahab: You'll have to get through us first.  
  
Raziel: (VO) My former brethren Dumah and Rahab confronted me next - this all seemed so elegantly choreographed. Though I personally wondered why the whole lot of them didn't just pile onto me at once, seeing how well the last two managed. And while I think of it, how come none of these guys were running to help Malek against Vorador? Did they think "Well, someone's slaughtering the Circle, but they only called for Malek, so I guess they'd rather not have our help. There's no point in going just in case Malek can't handle the intruder, or he gets delayed, or trips and falls down the stairs..." No wonder the Sarafan never managed to destroy the entire race of Vampires, if they were that incompetant.  
  
Raziel promptly finishes his musing by stabbing both the Sarafan through the chests. The Sarafan sure are dedicated, as they continue to stand there, as if ready to fight.  
  
Raziel: Er...guys?  
  
Dumah: Silence! Prepare to be...  
  
Rahab: Dumah?  
  
Dumah: What?!  
  
Rahab: Stop me if I'm wrong, but don't we normally have hearts?  
  
Dumah: What kind of question is that?  
  
Rahab: It's just that yours is kind of on the floor...  
  
Dumah: So? So's yours!  
  
Rahab: So...that means we're dead, doesn't it?  
  
Dumah: You and your stupid stories! "You need hearts to live." "You can't fly just by jumping off a roof." "Clipping your toenails with a sharpened halberd is a bad idea." Well, excuse me if I'm Mr "Breaking Conventional Thought and the Laws of Reality", but I'm not going to die just because my heart's been...  
  
Dumah drops dead. Rahab shakes his head, lies down on the floor, puts a comfy pillow on the floor, rests his head on it, zips up his sleeping bag, puts a "Do Not Disturb" sign, and dies. Raziel turns to the reader.  
  
Raziel: This joke was brought to you by the request of a young lady called Morning, the letters A and U, and the number 7.  
  
Raziel leaves the bodies and walks through a large gate into the chapel area. Here, Turel is waiting for him.  
  
Turel: Get back into the pit you crawled...  
  
Raziel: TUREL!!!!! FINALLY, I'VE GOT YOU!!!  
  
Turel: What?  
  
Raziel: Did you really think you could escape me just by being cut out of Soul Reaver 1?! At last, I have you...and I'm going to enjoy this!!!  
  
Turel: Wait...what are you...no...no...NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOO.....!!!!!!!  
  
***Scene removed due to graphic violence***  
  
Raziel: (VO cont'd) ....with the desk lamp and the bottle of Demestos bleach, Turel wouldn't be bothering Nosgoth for a while. Now, onwards!  
  
Raziel walks deep into the Stronghold, into the chamber that would eventually become his memorial room. And the Sarafan Raziel is here, awaiting him.  
  
Sarafan Raziel: So Vampire, here we are. You destroyed my brethren, but you'll find I am not such easy prey.  
  
Raziel: Seeing as I'm the same as you, but with incredible powers and thousands of years more experience and ability than you, I reckon you're dead meat.  
  
Sarafan Raziel: What? Sorry, I wasn't listening. I was thinking about this girl I like...  
  
Raziel: Uh-huh. Look, just give me the Heart of Darkness, will you?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: So, you've come to avenge that filthy parasite have you? You're a righteaous fiend.  
  
Raziel: Apparently you are...I mean I are...I mean...crap, best line of the game, and I blew it.  
  
Sarafan Raziel: No, vampire. This is where it ends, but you won't be leaving this room. Now, let's finish this. I'll make it mercifully quick.  
  
Raziel: As you did for Janos?  
  
Sarafan Raziel: No, that beast had eluded us for far too long. It would have been a shame to end him too quickly. It's ironic, really - the "great Janos Audron" turned out to be no challenge at all... thanks to you. Did you hear his cowardly screams when I tore that black heart out of his carcass?  
  
Raziel, in a fit of rage, steps forward and kicks Sarafan Raziel right in the family jewels. Sarafan Raziel groans and doubles up. Raziel stabs the Reaver right through his former self's gut.  
  
Raziel: I announce you.  
  
Sarafan Raziel: *gasp* *hack* ...announce... *cough*  
  
Raziel: Yes! Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, a dead jackass with an oversized nose-picking device on his forearm!  
  
An unseen crowd bursts into applause. Sarafan Raziel bows, then dies horribly.  
  
Raziel: And so it ends. Except for Moebius, the Elder God, and probably a load of other guys I don't know yet...what the...?  
  
The Wraith Reaver manifests again, and coils around the physical Reaver. Suddenly, the two blades stab Raziel through the chest!  
  
Raziel: AAAAAAAGGGHH!!! Dammit! There must be a virus in this thing! Why didn't I virus-check it after each upgrade? I knew that the Air Forge was an iffy site to download from...  
  
Raziel slowly fades away. As he seems incapable of realising what is happening, an auto cue appears for him to read from.  
  
Raziel: With all other foes exhausted, the conjoined blades turned themselves on me. And I realized, finally, why I had sensed nothing when Janos offered me the blade. The Reaver was never forged to be a soul- stealing weapon...it wasn't? Odd...The ravenous, soul-devouring entity trapped in the blade was - and always had been - me. This is...ME?! Awww man, this sucks. I swear, everywhere I go nowadays, I have to fight myself! This is why the blade was destroyed when Kain tried to strike me down - the Reaver could not devour its own soul. The paradox shattered the blade. So this was my terrible destiny - to play out this purgatorial cycle for all eternity. I could not bear it. Despair overwhelmed me. I hadn't felt this bad since I was a Vampire and I'd drunk the blood of a guy who'd virtually drowned himself in absinthe...  
  
The auto cue disappears, and behind where it was, we see Kain.  
  
Raziel: YOU!!! How did you get in here again, Kain?! Why don't the Sarafan attack you instead of me, you big fat jackass?!  
  
Kain: Don't fight it, Raziel. Give into it!  
  
Raziel: You're kidding, right?  
  
Kain: Trust me...  
  
Raziel: (VO) I felt myself weakening, unable to hold on any longer. The Reaver was too strong, the compulsion to simply let go too great. And then...a growing sense of vertigo, and the familiar displacement. The paradoxical moment when my twinned soul hovered both outside and inside the Reaver blade. This was the instant - the glimmer of temporal distortion - Kain had been counting on all along. As much pain as I was in, I started to llok around for any suspicious coins, before remembering Janos' words - there is no coin. Maybe I'd misunderstood. Maybe instead of looking for the coin, I should be...  
  
Kain grabs the Reaver's hilt and pulls it out of Raziel.  
  
Raziel: YYYYOOOOOWWW!!! Owowowowow!!! Kain! I was doing a voiceover there, you jerk!!!!  
  
Kain: Oh, quit whining.  
  
The vertigo increases, as history starts to change.  
  
Raziel: (VO) Behind Kain's eyes, I could see new memories blooming and dying, as history labored to reshuffle itself around this monumental obstruction. And I could see by the dawning horror on his face that perhaps he had left a light on in his private chambers back in our time. Imagine the bill for several thousand years. Although we'd travelled thousands of years back in time, so maybe the bill would be minus a lot of money. Which would mean the electric company would have to pay Kain money instead. I was about to point this out when he started talking again.  
  
Kain: My god... the HYLDEN!!! We walked right into their trap. Raziel! Janos must stay dead...  
  
Raziel loses the last of his strength, and reverts to the Spectral Realm.  
  
Raziel: (VO) But Kain's warning was lost as I slipped into the spirit realm, too weak to maintain my physical form. And there, waiting for me as always, was the Reaver - the wraith-blade, my own soul, twinned and bound eternally to me. Or at least til the gurantee ran out. And I realized that I could never escape my terrible destiny, I had merely postponed it. History abhors a paradox. But not as much as I abhor Block Puzzles...  
  
Suddenly, the scene is stormed by every character to appear in Legacy of Kain so far. Everyone from Kain, Moebius and the Elder God to Raziel's brethren, to Ariel, Mortanius and Nupraptor, to Elzevir, the Nemesis and Hash'Ak'Gik, they all run in, start bating the hell out of Raziel, all screaming the same thing...  
  
All: STOP GOING ON ABOUT THOSE %Â£%Â£"^ BLOCK PUZZLES!!!!!!!!!  
  
They leave, and a battered Raziel moves painfully to bring out a mobile phone from his cowl. He dials a number, and then speaks to someone at the other end.  
  
Raziel: Ugh...hello, Amy? I'm feeling a bit out of sorts...owow. Can you put something between now and...the next Soul Reaver? Owch...I dunno, put another Blood Omen game in, anything...Yeah, fine, whatever...  
  
The call is ended abruptly when a huge Block Puzzle falls from the sky and lands on Raziel. The scene ends on his tortured sobbing...  
  
*******************  
  
Hi there, just a few author notes. Don't worry, I'll keep them short!  
  
When I started the parody, I was unemployed and just wasting time. I put it up on fanfiction.net and my website just on a whim, and I never thought that the response would be as big and positive as it's been. I just want to thank everyone who's read and enjoyed the story, including the following people who have returned great feedback:  
  
Matt, James, Sidriss, Morning (or Anamae :) ), Syvia, Miss Sedusa, Angel- chan, Dragonclaw, RedCat, Honlei of the Inferno, Mango Madness, Edward, Corven, Snark 2.0, Shadow66, Little Miss Fic Writer, Guardian of Tears, and if I've missed anyone, please let me know (and feel free to bash me over the head! :) )  
  
Well, I hope the last chapter lived up to expectations. And please look out for future stories and fanfics, including a serious Malek fic (and for those who loved my sense of humour, a comic crossover of LoK and Knightmare...)  
  
See you all out there... 


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